I practice therapies from some of the leading marriage counselors, much of these therapies are contained in published works, but tempered by myself based on experience.  My preferred approach is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). In this method, new ideas are introduced, and homework is given so that such ideas can be tried and practiced at home between sessions. It is not enough to see a counselor every week or two. Between sessions, the couple grows by trying new ideas and then reporting at the next counseling session on the effect of the new idea on their relationship.  

 

In Bowenian Systems Therapy, a marriage relationship is comprised of a system of  interactions between the couple.  When one partner changes their role in these interactions, the other necessarily changes. A very important change that I advocate is to eliminate four “forbidden” words. They are fault, blame, earn and deserve. When couples use these words, they are “keeping score.” Unfortunately, each partner believes that he or she is ahead in the “score.” So incessant fighting results. 

 

These concepts must be replaced by the concept that each partner is 100% responsible for the state of the relationship. This condition distinguishes a one-flesh marriage from a contract marriage. Each partner decides how best to serve one’s partner even when the other is having a bad day. Each partner can decide at any time to change a downward spiral into an upward spiral. The therapy focuses on how to do that.    

 

 A related form of therapy is called Reality Therapy. The principal idea here is that a person cannot change one’s partner, but can only change oneself. Each person changes their own role in the relationship, and such change creates a changed system.   

 

One of the changes is to change one’s own thinking errors, or self-talk.  This method is called Cognitive Therapy. Each of us has harmful things that we tell ourselves about ourselves that are not true, but have been planted in our minds from experiences in the past, often in childhood. We use these errors to filter the meaning of interactions with our spouse. Together we explore each person’s self-talk, where it came from in the past, and why the self-talk should be replaced with more accurate knowledge of self-worth. This helps improve each partner’s connection with their spouse by eliminating negative filters.  

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A major goal is to create complete transparency in the marriage. This means that each partner is able to say what is on their mind without fear of being criticized or denigrated. It also means that each partner has complete knowledge of the thoughts and feelings, strengths and weaknesses of the other. Transparency is achieved by learning how to practice effective communications, beginning with the skill of active listening. For many couples, this skill is challenging, so we practice this skill in sessions.

 

Practicing transparency is achievable if a couple knows how to engage in discussions without becoming distraught or anxious about the direction of the conversation. Every couple must necessarily engage in conversations in which they have different opinions, and problems for which each has a different solution. I teach a number of methods that in combination allow free interchange of views without causing rancor, so that after the discussion, each partner feels better about the other, rather than worse.

 

A common problem among couples with children is how best to discipline their children, and couples often disagree in their views on this topic. I present a systematic method for creating rules and consequences that enables parents to impose discipline without having to raise their voices or use anger as a negative incentive.   

 

In the most general sense, I practice logotherapy. This teaches that life is short, and that one’s precious time should not be wasted on trivialities such as interpersonal conflict, but instead should be spent implementing the values that one holds most high. Living one’s highest value moment by moment is worthy of great effort. I urge couples to so arrange their lives to achieve this goal. For Christians, this means finding one’s calling and a lifestyle that incorporates that calling.   

 

Although I am licensed also to offer secular counseling, my general approach to marriage is modeled on the traditional Christian marriage vows, that is, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.”